From Big Brother Weezie|
I. Thou Shalt Play Madden
And God gave unto Fraternity Man a great gift, the gift of Madden by EA Sports. God said to him, you shall spend half your day playing this video game. You shall think about playing in class, in your room, and in your friend's house. And God said, if you don't play Madden all day, you will lose to your other Fraternity Brothers and become a pussy. And Fraternity Man said play Madden I shall, and it was good.
II. Thou Shalt Drink, and be Merry
God gave Fraternity Man the gift of drink, and set upon him heavenly advice to consume it. Fraternity Man was confused, since the store had such a wide variety of drink. And God said that while all men are created equal, all beers are not. God said cheap beer is holy, for blessed are the cheap, for they are most drunk. Then God said Aspen Edge and Michelob Ultra will be drank by douche-bags that have not yet realized that drinking a 12-pack of low-carb beer does not help you get in shape. Fraternity Man asked of Pucker, and God said that drinks like Mike's Hard Lemonade and Smirnoff Ice are reserved for the meek. And God warned Fraternity Man to not drink alcohol named after flightless birds (i.e. Fighting Cock, Wild Turkey), as they would cause Fraternity Man to become wicked. So Fraternity Man chilled with God over a 30-pack of PBR, and it was good.
III. Thou Shalt Be Sick All the Time
Now God said to Fraternity Man, you must be sick all of the time. And Fraternity Man said why. And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too late, drink too much, spread disease through beer pong, and make out with people you don't know. Therefore, God said, you shall be sick all year round. But God said, blessed are the sick, for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.
IV. Thou Shalt Yabble on Thyself at least Twice a Year
Fraternity Man asked, but God, how will I show everyone that I partied the hardest? And God said unto him, thou must leave examples of thy holy work in toilets, on carpets, on couches, and down heating ducts. God said to Fraternity Man, you shall never just spew chunks and pass out, but you must proclaim unto the world your most holy action. You shall never say you are too sick to drink, but you must drink another beverage to complete the puke and rally. God said, if you do not puke and be merry, I shall smite you in the morning. And God said blessed are the drunk but conscious, as they will never pass out and get fucked with by magic markers. And it was good.
V. Thou Shalt Shit A Lot
And Fraternity Man asked of his bathroom habit and God told him, Fraternity Man, thou shalt eat in the Cafeteria and fast-food restaurants and you shall shit a lot. And it will not be good shit, it will be the shit of the devil for your ass shall burn for hours upon end. Your schools shall put laxatives in the food and you shall feel its wrath. Occasionally you shall shit in vibrant colors, other times black as night. Your shit shall have no consistency whatsoever, so every bathroom visit will be like Christmas Morning. And Fraternity Man began to weep, and God said unto him, fear not the shit, for all your fellow Fraternity Brothers will be experiencing the same. And Fraternity Man dried his eyes and thanked God and God told him to use wet naps to ease his pain. And it was good.
VI. Thou Shalt Eat Strange Things at 3 AM
Fraternity Man asked unto God what to eat when drunk, and God said to him, you shall eat a lot of weird shit you never thought you would. It must be easy to make, and consist of ingredients that make no sense being amongst each other. And Fraternity Man asked of Peanut Butter, and God said to him, it shall be eaten, but only using fingers. Fraternity Man asked about bagels with whipped cream, Hersey's syrup, and pickle relish on top. And God said it was good, he tried it last week. And God also suggested Fraternity Man visit the Texan. And Fraternity Man asked if the Texan had a carb-free menu. And God told him to stop being such a pussy, and it was good.
Thou Shalt Score
Fraternity Man then asked of sex. And God said, Fraternity Man, you shall score and be happy. You shall go home with random chicks every weekend and forget about them the next day. You shall see them at class and be awkward amongst their company. You shall exchange saliva at bars and parties and it will be good. And Fraternity Man became gleeful and God told Fraternity Man to wrap it up because He knows where she has been, but Fraternity Man does not.
VIII. Thou Shalt Register for a 1 Credit Class and Never Go
Fraternity Man inquired of his spare time, and God reminded him that he should be playing the new Madden game. But Fraternity Man said he wanted to do other things. So God said unto him, you shall register for a meaningless 1 credit physical education class, because you will think that Aerobics class will get you chicks. But God also said that Fraternity Man should only go a few times to Aerobics class. Fraternity Man asked why, and God told him, because all guys in Aerobics class are gay. Fraternity Man understood His wisdom, and it was good.
IX. Thou Shalt Wake Up In Unexplained Places
God said to Fraternity man, there will come many a day when you shall wake up in the bed of another, and not know how you got there. You will not remember what you did last night, and you shall be confused. You will see that you have nipple rings, a tattoo, and are covered in sharpie. And Fraternity man was disturbed by this, but God said, you shall tell great stories about it to your friends someday. And Fraternity Man understood and God took a sip of beer and said "Yep."
X. Thou Shalt Pay Dues
And Fraternity Man wished to hear the final commandment and God said he would not like it. But Fraternity Man insisted, so god said unto him, you shalt pay dues. Fraternity Man asked god where he could find money in such a short period of time. And God said unto Fraternity Man go ask your parents for dough. But Fraternity Man said they cut off his money when they saw his beer pong table when they visited. So God said get a job, and Fraternity Man wept. Fraternity Man then asked of a payment plan, and God said, it shall be done. And it was good.